FOR GEFFY <3

[croik]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY gefrierpunkt!!!

It's not much of a present because you already knew I was writing it, but...I made it longer and added a sprite edit, JUST FOR YOU <33~~~

Title: Half Empty, Half Full
Pairing: Varan/Yuumi <3
Rating: PG (SORRY, I'LL DO PORN NEXT TIME)
Summary: First part is about 20 years pre-game, second part a few days post game. SPOILERS for GS4.




"Don't come in."

Varan stopped, having only opened the door a mere five inches before the plea was made. His fingers flexed indecisively against the handle. He recognized the voice very easily, and also the stress with which it spoke. She should have known better--there was no way he could leave now, having heard that much.

A slight nudge swung the door open, revealing just what Varan expected to see: Yuumi Arumajiki, still dressed in her costume from their rehearsal that evening, sitting on a short crate in the corner of the prop room. She dabbed at her eyes with a corner of her red scarf. When she lifted her tear-streaked face to him there was a moment of fear that melted quickly to weary relief. The thought that she might have been glad to see him made his chest grow tight.

"Yuumi…?" Varan swallowed hard as he stepped inside and closed the door quietly behind him. This was not the first time he had come across a sight like this, as much as it pained him to admit. He weaved carefully past the trick boxes and animal cages. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Yuumi said quickly. She took a deep breath, adjusting her attire and smoothing her hair back as if a proper appearance would take away from her swollen eyes and pale cheeks. "It's just been a long day, that's all. I'm very tired."

Varan stopped just in front of her, and hesitated there indecisively. The last time he had discovered her in such a state he had retreated, as per her request, to leave her to her thoughts. But he couldn't bring himself to repeat that mistake, especially when they were meant to be welcoming her back after a long absence.

"Might I be of assistance?" Varan offered. He pressed a hand to his chest and bowed with great chivalry. "I can not bear to leave a lady in such distress."

Yuumi sighed heavily, her posture sagging once more as she braced her elbows on her knees. She apparently was not prepared to be cheered by his showmanship. He winced awkwardly and tried again. "I mean, do you want to talk?"

"Not really."

"Well, I…." Varan frowned as he did his best not to fidget. There were so many things on the tip of his tongue, none of which he had the courage to voice. But she wasn't asking him to leave, and he took that to be the best invitation she was capable of giving. With a deep breath he turned, and took a seat on a box of props next to her. "I'm sorry," he attempted yet again. "If I had known you were so tired, I wouldn't have pushed to continue the rehearsal like I did."

"It's…not you," Yuumi assured, staring down at her feet. Her toes were pointing inward, like a schoolgirl slumped on the playground. "I performed badly today. My timing was off, and Father…"

She broke off, and Varan did not encourage her to continue. He knew very well how their shared master could be, especially as it concerned their stage work. "Then at least you have tomorrow free," he said, and was hit suddenly by inspiration. "Some of the stage hands were talking about having a picnic outside the Hinomaru for lunch. Do you want to come with us?"

"Tomorrow?" Yuumi was too sharp not to notice the gravity of his offer, and she glanced up at him in confusion. "But I thought Father was teaching you and Zakku the last half of the pony trick tomorrow. Don't you have to be there?"

"Not really," Varan replied. He prided himself in being able to hide his own discomfort better than Yuumi--his smile never wavered, despite the tiny pit of bitterness in his stomach. "They don't need me. Besides, I could use the fresh air!" He laughed. "It would be worth it to skip a day for that. Besides, how funny would it be to have Zakku waiting on stage, scratching his head over everyone being gone!"

That image must have been as amusing to her as it was him--she smiled, shaking her head. "It will not be so funny when you come back and get a talking to," she said knowingly. "Zakku has never missed a rehearsal."

She was softening. There was a hesitant, hopeful light in her bright brown eyes, even if they were still a bit red. It was time for Varan to deploy his secret weapon.

"That only makes it more worth it," he argued. "The look on his face when he--oh!" He straightened, twisting at the waist. "Did you feel that?"

Yuumi stared at him. "What?"

"That--ooh!" Varan hopped to his feet, and made a show of patting down his magician's attire as if in search. "I could have sworn I felt…"

Yuumi finally caught on, and gave another heavy sigh. She was familiar with this routine. "Varan, not now…"

"Aha! I found it." Varan reached into a pouch at his side. "Now close your eyes and hold out your hands."

Yuumi looked doubtful. "I'm a magician, too, you know," she tried to reason with him. "I already know…." But he kept staring at her, smiling and enthusiastic, and she at least relented. She closed her eyes and held out her hands. "All right."

Varan placed the object in her upturned palms triumphantly. "Tada!"

Yuumi opened her eyes, and was met immediately with the gaze of a soft bundle of fuzz that could have easily fit in only one of her hands. Its tiny white ears twitched as it ducked down and regarded her with careful curiosity. Despite knowing in advance exactly what she was being teased with, Yuumi couldn't help but let out a quiet, girlish murmur at the sight of the tiny rabbit. But when she smiled, it was as if the curling of her lips sent ripples across her face, and suddenly her eyes were thinning as she held back tears again.

"He's…." Yuumi leaned back, very carefully cradling the infant in her lap. "Is it a boy?"

Varan's voice softened as he retook his seat beside her. Though it made his ribs ache all over again to see her so emotional, at least her tears were coming from a different place. "Yes, it's one of…Hoppykin's kittens."

"I remember Hoppykins." Yuumi brushed the rabbit's back lightly with her thumb, afraid to pet it too hard. "I named her."

"Yes…you sure did." Varan scratched the back of his neck. He had plans for this particular little guy already, but if it made Yuumi happy… "Do you want to name this one?"

"Can I?" She licked her lips, staring down at the animal with intensity as if taking her sudden responsibility very seriously. "How about…Snuffles."

Varan blinked at her, caught off guard by the sudden, eerily familiar word. "Snuffles?" It took him a moment to realize what she meant. "Oh…well, I don't know…." It was difficult to even think about telling her no when she was smiling with such satisfaction. "That's probably not the best name for a rabbit…."

"Why not?" Yuumi's shoulders rose a bit as she giggled--a sound he couldn't remember hearing since she returned to their troupe. It erased any intention of correcting her from his mind. "Look at the way his little nose wiggles. I think Snuffles is perfect."

If she thought so, that was good enough for Varan. "All right," he relented, reaching into his pocket. "From now on, he's Snuffles."

He pulled out a small eyedropper and an old bottle of baby food, which had been filled instead with a very specially prepared formula. "He's just about six weeks old now," he told Yuumi as he unscrewed the lid. "Pretty soon he'll be wanting solid food, but for now, he still gets fed like this." He filled the eyedropper and offered it to her. "Would you like to feed him?"

"Oh, no," Yuumi said quickly. "I don't know how--I'll do it wrong."

"Of course you won't. There's nothing to it."

"No, please…." Yuumi lifted the little animal towards him. "You do it," she insisted. "I just want to watch, that's all. You're so good with them."

"Well all right." Varan traded with her, holding the baby close to his chest with one hand. "Just hold the bottle for me, will you?" As she did so, he squeezed a few drops of the milky formula out to his fuzzy friend, who lapped them up all too eagerly with a tiny pink tongue.

Yuumi leaned closer, her eyes half lidded and still damp with emotion as she watched. "He must be very hungry."

"Oh yes," Varan chuckled as he refilled the eyedropper to feed him again. "Mr. Snuffles is quite the glutton."

Yuumi chuckled, and shifted closer again, resting her chin lightly on his shoulder. The close proximity made Varan tense slightly, but he soon relaxed again, allowing her to nestle closer much like Snuffles was. The warm, soft pressure of her body to his made his heart beat foolishly.

"You will…come with us tomorrow, won't you?" he asked again, casting quick glances at her as he continued to feed his prized pet. "I…" He gulped. "I want to hear you laugh again."

Yuumi closed her eyes, and was quiet for a moment. He could feel the muscles of her throat contract much like his just had. "Okay," she finally agreed. "I will."

Varan smiled, and sighed quietly through his nose in relief. Having heard what he wanted from her, he fell silent after that. She seemed content to do the same. The quiet, comfortable contact was the best he could hope to gain from any meeting of theirs. He would be satisfied with it.

*****

On the west side of Hinomaru Coliseum was a small, often overlooked path that led into a stand of trees. It was not well maintained, and the grass grew thick and wild over the trail. What had once been a wooden bench was now a worn, crumbling slab, squatting between a pair of tall, broad-leafed trees. It was too overgrown for anyone seeking a resting place, and too open for anyone seeking seclusion.

Twenty years hadn't changed the spot. It was by stretching out along the familiar, damaged bench that Varan could tell how few alterations had been made, and how different his own body felt in comparison. He no longer cared that the rough seat dug into his shoulders and back, probably leaving tiny splinters in his cape. It was not worth it to even attempt a comfortable position. He just wanted to lie, with his knees bent over the edge and his hair dragging in the dirt.

At least his furry companion seemed to be enjoying the fresh air: once he was settled, the fat white rabbit crawled happily out of his costume, and sat perched on his chest as it sniffed at the unfamiliar surroundings. Varan gave it a pat before letting his hand fall to his stomach.

"Do you want to be an outdoor rabbit, now?" Varan asked of it, folding his other arm behind his head. "You'll join your brothers all the faster that way. So don't get used to it." When the leaves ruffled overhead they opened a path of sunlight, creating a warm spot on Varan's chest. Once his little friend found it, it seemed quiet content to stay there.

"Good. Take a nap." Varan smiled grimly and closed his eyes. "I think I will, too. Nothing else to do."

"Shouldn't you be preparing for your show?"

The sound of that familiar, feminine voice sent a chill up Varan's spine, causing him to wince. Footsteps were approaching from behind his head, and he waited until they had stopped in front of him before opening his eyes. Just before him stood the woman he had expected, though she was dressed differently than when they last met; no longer was she wearing her veil and long blue cloak. But most surprising were her eyes, with their sharp focus and…traces of pity. It had been a long time since she had looked at him like that, but he had never forgotten that expression.

"Hello, Miss Lamiroir," he greeted softly, in case he was imagining the change in her.

"Hello…Varan." She folded her hands in front of her. "It's all right. I remember now."

The emotion he felt swell in his chest was not relief--it hurt too much to have been that. As unfair as he knew it was to her, he could not help the years of bitterness coiled within his ribs. "You do…." He gave his rabbit a gentle pat, and it helped to calm his anxiety somewhat. He smiled thinly. "Welcome back."

Yuumi continued to stare back at him as if expecting some other reaction, and when she got none she shifted her weight slightly. He hated himself for taking even a slight satisfaction in her discomfort. "You knew, then," she murmured. "Did you…recognize me immediately, when Mr. Garyuu hired you? Or even before that…?"

Varan glanced away. "Not immediately," he confessed. "It wasn't until…I started looking for a double for you, to be in the show. For some reason, I realized it then…" And he remembered the exhilaration he had felt in that moment, filled with the sudden knowledge that the woman he had taken for dead was still alive. He still felt some of that joy now, faced with their first true reunion in a decade. But reality had dulled that happiness, as it had a habit of doing. "But you didn't seem to remember me, so I had to hide it."

"I never meant to put you through that," Yuumi said with greater strength, taking a step closer. "But my sight, and my memory…I had no way of knowing." She lowered her head. "I'm sorry."

There was no way for him not to believe her--Yuumi had never lied to him, even at the most painful of times. In Varan's mind he understood perfectly that none of his suffering now was because of her wrongdoing, and any guilt she might have felt in regards to him was unwarranted. Knowing that, however, did not keep the bile from the back of his throat.

"It's…all right," Varan managed. "It wasn't your fault. I'm just…glad you're alive."

He meant it, even if his voice was not prepared to convey just how much; there were too many other conflicting emotions getting in the way of his professions. Yuumi must have seen and understood his plight. She tugged at her white skirt, drawing it up so as not to press it beneath her as she lowered herself to her knees beside him. "Is…this Snuffles?" she asked, reaching out to run her finger over the rabbit's long ear.

"No…" Varan frowned. As awkward as this was for both of them, changing the subject was not helping. "Snuffles died years ago. Of…Snuffles, actually."

"Oh." Yuumi drew her hand back, confining it next to her other one in her lap. "I'm sorry. I know how much they mean to you…"

"It's all right. I don't keep as many now as I used to…." Varan sighed heavily--he was too tired for charades. With some effort to keep the rabbit from slipping to the ground he braced himself, and sat up on the wobbly bench. He left his hat upside down on the ground so that his furry friend could be placed inside without risk of it running off.

Strange, how one could feel so old, and at the same time so ridiculously young at the same time. Varan's brow furrowed as he waited for Yuumi to take a seat next to him. His eyes were unwillingly drawn to the sweeping movements of her hands over her dress. They had sat shoulder to shoulder like this many times in the past. "Yuumi…." His brow furrowed, and he couldn't look into her face again. "What do you want from me?"

"Want…?" Yuumi's hands folded around each other once more. "I don't want anything from you," she assured. "I only just remembered everything recently, and I wanted…" She hesitated before continuing. "I spoke to Mr. Wright," she continued in a softer tone. "He told me about everything I've missed, all that you went through. I wanted to see you, to say how sorry I am for--"

"No," Varan quickly interrupted. "I don't want you to apologize." If he let her do so, he would have to consider whether or not he could accept it. For ten years her disappearance had ruined his world in every way imaginable--her returning now, as miraculous and relieving as it was, rendered those horrible years meaningless. More painful than that long time of suffering was the knowledge that it should not have occurred at all.

And even that was nothing compared to the even deeper cause of his resentment: she was not apologizing for the right things. The accident was no fault of hers. Her years of absence could not have been avoided. But what he wanted most of all was for her to admit to the ten thousand tiny ways in which she had broken his heart, long before that. He selfishly wanted her to ask forgiveness for every time she had gripped his hand so tightly, seeking his comfort--every quiet smile and silver laugh he had foolishly believed was meant for him. He wanted to hear that she was sorry for any happiness she might have found at the side of the man who betrayed them.

If she had loved him instead of another, none of this would have happened; it was that thought that tortured him in the hours between sunset and dawn.

Varan slumped, covering his face in shame. Of the two of them it was he who ought to be on his knees, begging forgiveness. He despised her, and he hated himself for it. But when she leaned closer and wrapped her arms gently around his suddenly trembling shoulders, he remembered all over again the ways in which he loved her, and he hated himself for that, too.

"Varan…." Yuumi hugged him tightly, even though she was beginning to shake as well. "I'll leave if you ask me to," she said. "I'll understand if you never want to see me again…."

"No," Varan said quickly. A shudder went through him at the thought, reminding him of how helpless he really was. He wiped his stinging eyes and relaxed with a sigh against the warm body beside him. He let her pull him in as he had once done for her. "I don't want that, either."

Yuumi licked her lips, and pressed her nose gently to his temple as they leaned into each other. "I know a lot has changed," she said quietly. "We're not the same people anymore. Maybe…" Her fingers tightened against his shoulder. "Maybe we can start over."

Varan smiled wearily. He wanted to say that it was too late for that--he felt old, in spirit more than years, and until now he'd had nothing to look forward to. But when she spoke those words a sensation not unlike hope rose at the back of his throat, allowing him a few moments free of resentment. He had failed in so many ways already, but if there was still a chance….

"Maybe…." Varan kept his eyes tightly shut as he slipped an arm carefully around her slender waist, inviting her closer. "I think…maybe we can."


*~*~HAPPY BIRTHDAY~*~*